A Grand Adventure
After some serious soul-searching, many pro/con lists, and discussions with my husband, I decided to leave full-time work for my first-ever career break. Yesterday, I said my goodbyes to co-workers and clients, tied off loose ends, and deleted my workstation profile. Today I embark on a grand adventure.
Stepping outside my comfort zone into the unknown required a leap of faith. Generally, I cling to security, which would be why I have been consistently employed without any breaks for the last 19 years. Of course, the 19-year stretch included a lot of luck in a world where layoffs happen every day. By my age, a lot of women have had some type of break even while employed, including maternity and medical leaves. Though medical leave and maternity leave can hardly be called breaks, they still mark a point of departure from the everyday work world into a different life pattern.
During my 19 years of working, I switched careers four times without time for reflection and restoration between shifts. I moved from being a reporter to an advertising sales representative to a banker to a web developer/project manager without stopping to catch my breath. So many times I wanted to stop the clock and figure out what I love and how I want to spend my time. The clock does not stop and neither does life. I had to make a conscious decision, no matter how terrifying, to pause for myself.
I will admit that I shed many tears. I worried and still worry about money. I am afraid about losing my identity. As someone without other defining elements in my life such as children or a nonprofit cause, I resorted to the default of defining myself by what I do, by my job. I know I am more than my job. I am a whole person all by myself, but my self-perception has been so wrapped up in work for so long that I have a hard time seeing beyond that. Unraveling my work identity from the real me and rediscovering what I love to do with my time will be an essential aspect of this adventure.
Through the years, I have complained that I haven’t had the time and energy to write. This break primarily will be devoted to writing. Whether or I not I write anything worth reading is another thing. I am focusing on writing out my thoughts and feelings, dreams and possibilities, and ideas and plans as a way to dig deeper into what I want out of life. I don’t want to sleepwalk through my life. I want to move forward with purpose and live life deeply, and I hope to find meaningful work.
Along the way, I’ll be fighting distractions such as television, web surfing, house projects, and general laziness, an affliction from which I suffer in my downtime. Oh, and kittens! Kittens could be very distracting. My husband and I took in two stray female cats, one of whom was pregnant, and now we have three precious three-week old kittens. Also with the arrival of fall, I definitely won’t be distracted with yard work, but I can see myself getting wrapped up in the holidays (Mom already has plans for me to help her with holiday baking).
I plan to post frequently about this new life adventure. I suppose the purpose of this blog is evolving into a gardening of the soul rather than my yard, and I’ll be making some changes to reflect that evolution. I hope my adventure can help others who are considering making a radical change to find a better path. In the end, this could be a cautionary tale, a successful experiment, or something in between. Only time will tell, and for the first time in 19 years, my time is open for me to tailor as I see fit.
The Next Evolution
Lately, I have been feeling an intense need for change. Waiting for perfect conditions in order to embark on new adventures just isn’t realistic. Dreams of traveling through Tuscany for two or three weeks remain dreams. Thoughts about devoting considerable time to writing a book or even a collection of short stories stay in my head. Good intentions about getting involved with local organizations stop at good intentions. I feel blocked at every level, and I know I am blocking myself.
Last fall, I came to grips with the fact that I have allowed work to dominate my life, including the majority of my waking thoughts. With that realization, I began the hard work of getting back in touch with myself. I attended my first yoga class in January, which magically erased the intense pressure in my chest, and since that class, yoga has helped me feel more relaxed. I started writing in a journal more. I turned off thoughts of work, and I stopped feeling guilty about not working all the time. I allowed myself to think about what the next evolution of me will be.
These days I relate a lot to the caterpillar. I can feel the potential inside me, and I am ready for transformation.In my mind, it sounds selfish to talk about myself and what I need to do or be, but in the end, nurturing myself will open the possibilities of what I can give back to the world. I want to infuse my life with a sense of purpose and meaning. A lot of people find purpose and meaning through their children/families, their work, their church, etc. The answer is different for each person whether they actively think about it or not. I want to find the right combination for me.
I guess this is my mid-life crisis. Afterall, I fit in the age bracket…early forties (ugh, I’m still amazed by that!). When I asked my Mom if she went through a mid-life crisis, she said, “I was too busy to have one.” Maybe being busy is a gift. Perhaps my reducing my focus on work has allowed me to think too much, but these dreams and desires have lived within me for decades. These are not new goals. I don’t know if it’s my awareness of my own mortality, especially after losing a friend last year, but I feel an intense need for action and change now, not later. I’m tired of wasting time waiting on perfect conditions. Life is imperfect. I am imperfect. It’s time to get busy living!
Decorating with Fresh Greens
A little over a week ago, my husband stood in our front yard with a huge pile of long-needle white pine branches at his feet and asked, “Is this enough pine blood to satiate you?” I laughed and wondered if it was. We embellish our faux Christmas greenery with the real stuff each year. We typically have to keep going outside to gather more clippings as we decorate. Pretty much every room in our downstairs ends up decked in Christmas greens, and we love the look and smell of fresh greens.
In an ideal world, we would deck the halls with boughs of holly, white pine, magnolia, and eastern red cedar the week prior to Christmas, but that doesn’t fit in with our entertaining plans. We always incorporate the real greens in our decorations right before the company Christmas party, which is typically about two weeks prior to Christmas. The long-needle white pine does great until right after Christmas, and we use more of that than anything. Even the branches near the radiators stay green and tender. The magnolia, on the other hand, gets fussy after a week, but it still retains a nice look as long as we don’t touch the leaves. I have read that the best thing to do is cut the greens, mash the ends of the branches, and soak them in a bucket of water overnight. This method is supposed to help the greens maintain their freshness longer.
Our cat Yoshi loves dining on fresh greens, even crispy magnolia.
Though we purchased white pine garland in the past for the front handrails, we decided to go even more natural this year with whole branches wired to the handrails. We used florist wire to attach the branches to the handrails, and then we wove holly and eastern red cedar into the branches. We love the effect, and it looks much more lush than typical garland. Unfortunately, I did not snap a picture when we did it, but even a week and a few days later, it still looks pretty good.
Another new addition this year is our potted rosemary plant. Rosemary is often used in holiday decorations, and it continues to thrive outdoors even during a cold winter. When we dismantled the veggie garden, we saved the three rosemary plants and put them into a pot together. We moved the pot to the front stoop and added some fresh cuttings of magnolia and holly to give the rosemary more flair. When a co-worker needed some rosemary for the Christmas sangria she was making, I was able to pop out to the front stoop and cut some sprigs. FYI…white wine, cranberries, sugar, orange, and rosemary make for a delightful holiday beverage!
We are now just a few days away from Christmas. I hope you all have a wonderful holiday season. I lift my glass in cheer and look forward to spending the coming days with beloved family and friends.
Time is Precious
Like most professionals, I get caught up in the day-to-day existence of life: sleep, eat, work, eat, work, insert random errand, eat, exercise (or not), work some more (sometimes), shower, read (or not), sleep….wash, rinse, repeat. I go through the motions with each day blending into the next. There are some variations on the theme each day, but the rhythm stays the same. It is a constant cadence. Then, something disrupts it.
My friend Sean died in early January. It was completely unexpected. I found out about it through Facebook, which, unfortunately, is commonplace these days. One moment I was having a normal Saturday afternoon, and the next moment I was sobbing over a friend I hadn’t seen in a couple of years.
Sean was part of a group of friends I met after graduate school. They were my crew during those first years of true independence. We went everywhere together: night clubs, movies, plays, concerts, restaurants, weekend getaways, etc. We spent many nights just talking and laughing. Sean was a bright spot in this group. He was always smiling and always had a funny story to tell.
I admire people who manage to live authentic lives, those who are not afraid to plumb the depths of their talents and give back to the world more than they take. Sean was one of those people. He became a doctor to help people, and he focused his career in caring for the poor and homeless. He took pleasure in the small beauty of the world.
Through Facebook I’ve watched people from my undergraduate years do amazing things by using their talents well. I love seeing great fine artists from my college years getting accolades for their beautiful paintings or former drama students running community theaters. These people were amazingly talented in their younger years, and they continue to foster those talents now. From my perspective, they are living authentic lives.
I feel lost. I’m in my early forties, and I yearn for a more authentic life. I’ve never been career-driven. My path has never been linear. I love learning new things and mastering whatever job I do. As a result, I have been a career jumper. Whatever I do, I do it well, and while I’m not altogether sure that I require for my career to be fulfilling, I do want it to foster the best aspects of me and allow me the space to explore what I can contribute to the world.
Time is precious. I have spent too much time worrying. My energies have been tied up in my work. I have failed to draw the line where it needs to be drawn. I have failed to protect and nourish my personal life. If I were to die tomorrow, I would regret how I have spent my time on this earth. I need to remember that as I continue to work toward a more balanced life.
Fighting the Sunday Blues
The Sunday night blues are a common phenomenon among working folk. For me, I fight the blues all day on Sundays. In fact, it starts on Saturday night when I stay up to all hours of the night prolonging my last night of the weekend to stay up late. The worst example was on our last day of vacation a few weeks ago. Almost as soon as I woke up, I started crying. I didn’t want vacation to end and the stress to begin again, and as a result, I pretty much wasted my last day of vacation feeling sad. That day put the spotlight on my lack of balance and need to reclaim my life. I could not go on living for weekends, holidays, and vacations. It is time to live my life, and finding happiness in each day of the week is part of that.
Last weekend, I fought the Sunday night blues by inviting a friend for dinner. We shared some chili, cornbread, and beer as well as some good laughs, something I desperately need on Sunday nights. Afterwards, my husband and I watched a movie. We managed to stave off the Sunday night blues, and Monday was fairly low stress.
Today I raked leaves, planted mums that had been in flower pots by the front door, and prepared my front stoop for the holidays. It was a beautiful day, and I felt refreshed from working in the chilly air. Tonight I’m planning to make Greek chicken with rice and salad. It might sound like an everyday meal, but it is a step in the right direction for me…no frozen pizza this evening! I think we are going to watch Django Unchained tonight. I cannot believe it has shown up on Netflix so early!
Making a conscious effort to overcome the Sunday night blues has made a huge difference for me so far. Doing something, anything trumps moping around the house. Though the work week starts tomorrow, today is still completely my time, and it’s up to me to enjoy it.