Watching the Ant Farm
Just over eight months ago, I left full-time employment for my first ever career break. After working for nineteen years straight, I drifted off the grid into a world of uncertainty without a schedule and without income. I longed for this break. I dreamed of hitting pause on my life and jumping off the treadmill to catch my breath. The dream became reality on October 1, 2015, and now I stand on the outside watching the ant farm.
As I go through my day, I observe the swirl of the world around me. I watch the schedules of others: going to work, eating lunch on break, rushing the kids to school, going to meetings. I drive into Lexington for lunch with friends aware that I’m meeting them during their lunch breaks but calm in the knowledge that I don’t have to be anywhere. Though I’m doing freelance work as a web consultant, I have complete control of my schedule, working when it suits me best.
My mornings consist of adequate sleep, no alarms, and a healthy breakfast. My days hold as much or as little as I want to do whether it’s organizing a filing cabinet, writing a blog post, working on my other writing projects, configuring a website, or running errands. I eat better though my waistline doesn’t show it. I cook our meals as I dreamed I would when I worked late every night. I exercise more consistently. My levels of self-care increased exponentially.
In this time I breathe and look around me. I look inside myself. I am calmer now. Even standing in line at the grocery, my patience endures when I used to get frustrated. I am kinder now. Without the strains and pressures of my old life, I act in kindness, giving people the benefit of the doubt rather than judging them. My heart bursts with love, and I know this is all that matters in life. I am conscientious about how I spend my time and energy. I recognize what drains me and what lifts me. I concentrate my energy on what matters.
Even in the calmness, I fight back fears. I’m afraid of marking time for too long. I’m afraid I will not be able to relaunch into a career working for someone else. I’m afraid of wasting this opportunity. I fight the need to be productive at all times. I remind myself that in the quiet I find answers. I fight the tendency to dwell on the past and encourage myself to be content with the present. I fight my worries about the future where everything feels nebulous. I breathe and remind myself that I am right where I need to be right now.
The world goes on without me. I watch the activities of the ant farm and wonder if I can ever rejoin that world. I miss the distractions of the ant farm. I miss the sense of purpose. I know I’d be less apt to introspect and dwell. Still, I love standing on the outside. I cherish this time in my life and what it continues to give me. I was empty on October 1, 2015, drained of everything because I had given everything that I was to my work. Today I am fuller as I reconnect with everything I lost and find new gems that make my life richer in ways that money cannot purchase.
