The Next Evolution

Lately, I have been feeling an intense need for change. Waiting for perfect conditions in order to embark on new adventures just isn’t realistic. Dreams of traveling through Tuscany for two or three weeks remain dreams. Thoughts about devoting considerable time to writing a book or even a collection of short stories stay in my head. Good intentions about getting involved with local organizations stop at good intentions. I feel blocked at every level, and I know I am blocking myself.

Last fall, I came to grips with the fact that I have allowed work to dominate my life, including the majority of my waking thoughts. With that realization, I began the hard work of getting back in touch with myself. I attended my first yoga class in January, which magically erased the intense pressure in my chest, and since that class, yoga has helped me feel more relaxed. I started writing in a journal more. I turned off thoughts of work, and I stopped feeling guilty about not working all the time. I allowed myself to think about what the next evolution of me will be.

These days I relate a lot to the caterpillar. I can feel the potential inside me, and I am ready for transformation.

In my mind, it sounds selfish to talk about myself and what I need to do or be, but in the end, nurturing myself will open the possibilities of what I can give back to the world. I want to infuse my life with a sense of purpose and meaning. A lot of people find purpose and meaning through their children/families, their work, their church, etc. The answer is different for each person whether they actively think about it or not. I want to find the right combination for me.

I guess this is my mid-life crisis. Afterall, I fit in the age bracket…early forties (ugh, I’m still amazed by that!). When I asked my Mom if she went through a mid-life crisis, she said, “I was too busy to have one.” Maybe being busy is a gift. Perhaps my reducing my focus on work has allowed me to think too much, but these dreams and desires have lived within me for decades. These are not new goals. I don’t know if it’s my awareness of my own mortality, especially after losing a friend last year, but I feel an intense need for action and change now, not later. I’m tired of wasting time waiting on perfect conditions. Life is imperfect. I am imperfect. It’s time to get busy living!